Talk about grief with your family

Couple and family relationships are challenging, and life in the CAF or RCMP can add even more pressures.

We encourage you to review the content in The impact of service on families to better understand how service commonly impacts spouses, couples, and families.

Perhaps over the years you and your spouse and family have found ways to keep communication open and honest. For others, silence, protection and resentment may have made sharing issues difficult or impossible: everyone may feel like they are walking on eggshells and are afraid to make things worse.

Families of Veterans have said that the Veteran did not share what they are going through in the mistaken belief that this would be easier on the family – in effect, to try to “protect” them. In reality, families found this confusing and isolating. Addressing the “elephant in the room” takes the courage and determination of all parties. You might begin by agreeing to tackle one issue at a time.

Sharing honestly, listening with an open mind and setting aside defensiveness can be challenging. Make a commitment to each other to take a break when conversations get heated. Remember, this isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about identifying what isn’t working, reaching agreement that making things better is a priority, and then finding and committing to strategies to help. This isn’t one conversation. It may be a series of very hard discussions.

Support that got me through the tough times ()

It can be hard to have these conversations, especially if you have developed habits as a couple or family of avoiding talking about hard things.

Here are some ways that may help to create a setting where trust can be built, and difficult conversations can happen.

• Choose a time when you are relatively calm and not distracted, and find a space to start the conversation where you will have privacy.
• You might say something like “I care so much about you and the family, and I want to work with you to make things better for all of us at home.”
• Be an active listener. Don’t interrupt. Pay attention. Make eye contact and nod to show you are listening and repeat back to them what they have been saying to show you have heard and understood.
• Be willing to listen to their needs and find solutions that work for both of you. 

Consider including your children in your conversations about things that affect them in an age- appropriate way. This increases their trust in you, their feelings of being an integral part of the family, and of the importance of family working together in tough times. This can also build communication skills they will take with them throughout their lives. Knowing that their feelings, concerns and ideas matter and have value will only strengthen your relationship.

For more information, see Supporting children's service-related losses.

I told them right off the bat. I have a hard time with loud noises. They remind me of the explosion when my friend was killed and I couldn’t hear for a while. I’ll try not to but I may yell at you if you make a loud noise. - Military Veteran

When you’re struggling with OSI, or PTSD, it’s important to talk with your family about it. They may just need the broad strokes, not the details. That way they will be more likely to understand if you’re triggered or have a major outburst. They’ll know you’re struggling with some distressing losses and experiences because you’ve already told them.

Knowing that your spouse and kids also know about your OSI, it may be easier for you to acknowledge an outburst you may have, apologize, tell them how much you care about them, to reassure them that it’s “your stuff” and not about them, and that you are committed to working on getting better.

For more information, see Grief and trauma. 

Sharing all of the details of a traumatic experience may not be helpful for family members ()

Once we started talking about PTSD it made a big difference in our home ()