Supporting other Veterans or those in active service

Your training and experiences may have lessened your ability to feel and show compassion for others’ feelings and experiences. It might also be that your own sense of grief and loss leaves you right now with nothing left to give others. You may or may not benefit from being part of a peer support group, and you may not yet be ready to help one on one.

You might ask yourself the following questions. If you answer yes to any of them, you may need to wait a little longer before reaching out to others.

When someone tells you of a difficult experience they have had in service:

• Do you find yourself thinking, “that wasn’t as bad as what I went through”?
• Did you think they were not strong?
• Did you think or suggest this was something they should be able to handle?
• Did you find yourself wanting to shut down the conversation?
• Did you make light of their experience by changing the subject or making a joke?

If you said yes, this does not mean you are not compassionate. It means you are not ready yet to reach out to help others. In time empathy and compassion will return and you will notice a change in how you respond to others’ stories and experiences.

If you are feeling you are ready to reach out to others who are hurting, start slow, and make sure there is someone you can turn to for support and to de-brief.

Watch out for vicarious trauma, where you may experience a grief or trauma response from hearing and picturing what they are describing.

If this is not the right time, it may be something that makes more sense in the future.

1. Acknowledge their loss. “I’m sorry this happened to you.” “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”
2. Listen without judgement. Sometimes sitting in silence is what makes a difference.
3. Everyone’s grief experience is unique and different cultures and communities approach grief in different ways. Your experience isn’t their experience. Everyone’s experience is valid, as are their feelings.
4. Empathize (“that must be really hard.” “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.”) without trying to fix it.
5. Follow their lead. Whether they want to share their story, or be distracted from how they are feeling, let them define what they need.
6. It's ok to show your emotions. It can validate the person’s experience knowing that the other person is moved by their story. If this happens make sure you return the focus back to them.
7. Avoid finding silver linings. Don’t give examples of others’ experiences that may have been more intense.
8. Check in on them regularly to see how they are doing.