Strategies: What may help
It’s important to grieve your losses, whether they’re unmet expectations, the sense of purpose the military gave you, or adjusting after the end of the structured service life. Grieving can begin with acknowledging that these things will no longer be part of your life. Figuring out what is important to you and what will help you heal will take time and may also change over time.
Discovering you
I was just focused on getting back to being the "old me," and I had to let that go. To learn how to love the "new me." I had to say, "I used to be awesome at my job in the military," and then mourn the loss of that. I’m happy now, but it’s in a different role than I used to be in. I am doing something else. It’s not the path I saw for myself, and I had to grieve that loss before I could walk this new path that I love. - Military Veteran
Consider how you’ve grown as a person through training, experiences, opportunities, friends, and mentors, making a difference in people’s lives, or serving your country, and celebrate that. Recognize there may be parts of yourself that you left behind while you were in service. You might find ways to rediscover what brought you energy and enthusiasm for life in the past or embrace something new. Finding time for yourself to do the things that give you meaning may help you get in touch with what matters most to you in this next chapter of your life.
Putting you and your family first
I’m usually a pretty good judge of character, and I was judging my own character as shitty. And I knew what I had to do to get out of it, and I did it. It meant getting the train back on the tracks, being around for my wife and kids and just trying to get back to pre-cop. - RCMP Veteran
We don’t do great at promoting putting yourself first because it goes against ALL things military. So, I had to kind of retrain my brain, saying to myself, “There is more to life, and it’s time to be loyal to ME. What do I need?” - Military Veteran
Your service responsibilities may have meant you weren’t as available for your family as you had wished. You may have feelings of regret or remorse, even though it was the impact of your service that made your family life the way it was.
The good news is that there may be opportunities now to write a new chapter. A first step may be to get to know each other again. Healing and intimacy are fostered by building trust. This may involve many conversations with your spouse (and children if you have them) and involves a lot of attentive and engaged listening.
Taking the time to hear how each person in the family may have changed and recognizing and acknowledging how each person may have suffered or is grieving are important ways to build trust. You may have to take the lead in initiating these hard conversations. You might want to consider family therapy, which can provide a safe space to have difficult talks and can teach your family important listening and coping skills.
For more information, see The impact of service on families, The impact of leaving service on families, and Supporting children's service-related losses.
