Your relationship

We had so many plans for the future. We were getting ready to talk about what we wanted to do after he retired. So it felt so normal and easy to just keep living as if he was still away in Afghanistan. The alternative - the fact that he’d died - was impossible to accept. He’d never come back? How was I…? I just couldn’t see my life without him. - Military Spouse

The death of your spouse or partner can change the way you see yourself as well as how others see you. The shift from being part of a couple to being a single person takes time and effort as you and others in your life adjust to many losses, including changing roles and relationships. It may mean that you are losing housing and financial well-being, changing communities, and taking your kids out of school and away from friends in the midst of coping with tremendous loss.

For more information, see MyGrief.ca - When your spouse has died.

A soldier who lived in our town was killed in action. The day after it was on the news, his wife and kids were moved from their house, and we never saw them again. It felt bizarre. - Community Member

If you have children, try to remember that each child had their own, unique relationship with your spouse. Whether they are young or adult, their losses may have left them feeling adrift or “unanchored.”

You may have become a single parent of younger children. This is never easy. Your energy will be divided by dealing with your own grief, supporting your children through theirs, and navigating the responsibilities and tasks involved in managing a household on your own.

Although it is natural and important to focus on your children, it will also be critical for you to find ways to attend to your own grief and to your own physical and emotional health. 

The death of my husband Lieutenant Colonel Dan Bobbit ()

It was difficult to figure out where I belonged ()

Being a military wife helped me survive Dan’s death ()

Mom pulled us into the living room. There were people in uniform. “Daddy’s gone.” I was speechless. Devastated. Not what I expected to hear. The next couple days were just weird. People coming out of the woodwork… messaging mom, and us… trying to lend support in the best way they could. Mix of comforting, overwhelming and, well, weird. Casseroles and lasagna. I remember having a hard time getting to sleep the first night. - Family Member

Because your relationship with your parent is unique to you, your grief may be different than that of your siblings, your other parent or other family members. It can take time to realize the layers of losses that come with their death.

For more information, see MyGrief.ca - When your parent has died.

The death of a child, at any age, can shatter your assumptions about children outliving their parents and can cause profound upheaval. When an adult child in service dies, family grieve not only the person who died but also how roles in the family and relationships among those still living may change.

You may find yourself grieving the achievements and experiences they won’t have the chance to pursue. You may feel resentment and anger at not being able to see your child reap the rewards of their efforts and hard work. This can be particularly difficult as you watch others move forward in their lives.

You see other people’s kids getting married or having children, and you know that your child will never do that. You have to deal with that because that’s never going to go away. I am deeply happy for them, but it sucks, it hurts, and I’m envious. I mean, you’re happy for them, and then you hate them almost at the same time. It’s even harder seeing his fiancée in different relationships and having children. And you’re thinking "That should have been him." - Family Member

Decisions were made that I’ll always regret ()

If you have other children, you may find you struggle with parenting them.

If a child loses a brother or sister, they lose their parents too. I’m not the same mother to my other son that I was when Alex was alive. At first, I wasn’t there mentally or emotionally. Of course, I made sure there was food on the table - I did the physical stuff - but I wasn’t really there. I knew he was in pain. I just didn’t have the mental capacity to understand or help him. Over time, that’s changed: I’m there for him now. But I’m still not the same mom that I was before my son died. - Family Member

For more information, see MyGrief.ca - When your child has died and KidsGrief.ca or YouthGrief.ca.

It was so hard on my parents, but I had lost the person I always looked up to - my big brother. It felt like my grief wasn’t as important as theirs, but I was gutted when he didn’t come home. - Family Member

The death of a brother or sister is significant but often not recognized as such. Your experience will depend on your relationship with your sibling and the roles you had in each other’s lives.

For more information, see MyGrief.ca - When your sibling has died.

Service families often develop strong bonds with each other. The death of a friend in service can be devastating. You will be coping with the loss and also wondering how to support the family.

While you are always aware of the dangers of your own family member in service, when it happens to someone close to you, it can make it more real and bring your own fears to the surface.

If the family leaves the service because of the death or moves away quickly, this can add other layers of loss and grief. Depending on your relationship with the family, it can feel like you have lost part of your support system and the opportunity to be a source of support for them.