Your own grief
I know personally that so many RCMP spouses struggle with grief and loss when they don’t know it. And then when they come face to face with it, they don’t recognize it as that because their person is still there. So we’re grieving the loss of something intangible and that’s really tough. - Family Member
You may or may not recognize that you are also grieving. You may find it helpful to seek individual counselling or you might consider accessing couple or family therapy.
Below are some suggestions that involve looking after your own well-being. Staying healthy yourself will help you sustain a healthy relationship.
Self-care and stress management
What activities help you to feel emotionally and physically healthy? Find what feeds your soul and add these to your day.
The best gift he gave me was respect for my alone time, to do the things I want on my own. Sometimes that is just sitting in the quiet by myself. - RCMP Veteran and Family Member
It’s important to enjoy your own activities and friendships outside the relationship, in particular to maintain your sense of self as an individual, as well as part of a couple/ family.
A support system of your own
Put your own support system in place: friends, neighbours, community groups, support groups and/or professional counselling if needed.
Healthy boundaries: Care but not carry
If the Veteran is struggling, it’s important to recognize that this isn’t your responsibility to fix – that you can care but you can’t carry them. It’s OK to take time for yourself, to have a life and maintain your own health. It’s important to not give yourself totally over to being a caregiver.
Remember that supporting your Veteran can be exhausting and emotionally draining. You can only best support the Veteran or active service member in your life when your own well-being is intact.
Be of service
I lost myself completely. I didn’t have a personhood. I didn’t know my place in the world. I was a lost soul, really, wandering about, just faking it as best I could. And I wanted to be able to show people that you can have what you want, that your desires and the things that you want were important. So, I started an online support community for spouses like me. - Family Member
Being of service to others, paid or volunteer, can provide a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Find an activity that satisfies your unique personality, skills and interests.
Accepting support
Take time to sit down and figure out what supports are available and make good use of them.
- What is available from the institution in term of benefits, career, and other counselling?
- Who can the Veteran rely on for support without judgement?
- Who can you rely on for emotional support?
- What logistical support do you need and who can provide it?
- What is available within the community, online, or through other services?
Leaning on your friends and extended family can help reduce feelings of isolation.