Support: What’s not helpful
Mostly, I didn’t want to talk about what I was going through because at home, I could be a dad and a husband, not a soldier or a Veteran. No matter how hard it was for me, I didn’t want that to change. - Military Veteran
What works well for some Veterans doesn’t for others. Sometimes the task of helping can seem overwhelming. You may have tried different ways, and nothing seems to be working.
The emotional struggles Veterans face are often complex and don’t respond to simple solutions. One of the most important things to remember is to just be with each other, rather than feeling the need to “fix” things.
Avoid giving advice
For many a natural first response when someone is struggling is to move into problem solving and start to give advice. This is rarely helpful unless the Veteran is asking for advice. Advice is not the same as help. Giving advice usually shuts down the Veteran from sharing more.
Here are some examples of things to avoid saying:
- “You need to cry – to get it out."
- “Why don’t you do more of the things you used to enjoy doing?”
- “You should spend more time with your friends.”
- “You need to get your mind off things so let’s just watch a movie.”
Don’t minimize their experience
You may want to offer hope or a more positive perspective but what you say can unintentionally make the Veteran feel you don’t understand the depth of their struggle.
It does come down to hope, but it can’t be a Polly Anna-ish type. You know what I mean. "Things will be better." "Things will be better after you work hard at it." "Things will be better after you deal with this stuff." It can’t be like that. - RCMP Veteran
Try not to say anything that:
- Minimizes the severity of what the Veteran is experiencing.
- Dismisses the need for additional support.
Examples of minimizing statements.
- “Just give it time.”
- “I know you’re strong enough to get through this.”
- “You’ve already been through the worst; things can only get better now.”
- “You just have too much time on your hands.”
- “What really matters is that you’re alive and healthy.”
- “You’re not the only one who’s ever gone through something hard.”
- “You need to try harder. I need you to try harder.”
- “What really matters is that you’re alive and healthy.”
- “You’re just thinking too much."
Don’t compare your experience with theirs
She said, “I know what you’re going through. I remember what it was like when I had post-partem depression - it was rough.” I didn’t know what to say. I know she’s trying to help but, it just makes it worse. - Military Veteran
Veterans can encounter more traumatic events than others would face over many lifetimes. Comparing their experiences to others can make the Veteran feel like their struggle is not recognized as the unique and devastating experience few people could truly understand.
You might be trying to relate to your Veteran’s experience, or you may be legitimately frustrated and exhausted with their behaviour. Either way, giving advice and minimizing their experience won’t lessen their pain and may add to their sense of being alone.