When someone dies under your command
The hierarchical structure of military and RCMP services fosters a profound sense of responsibility for those under your command.
I figured out very quickly that, as a leader, you needed to put on a mask so that you could be the father figure or the mother figure, because your job is to help everyone else cope. A lot rests in my example, and if I’m falling apart, then everyone starts to lose confidence in my decisions and my leadership. So, I repressed and controlled certain parts of myself. I would wait for release until I could be alone. Sometimes that wasn’t until I could sit down to write letters to the families of those who died under my leadership, and then I cried my heart out. But even that didn’t last long, because it would be up to me again to take responsibility and make the best decisions I can to minimize casualties moving forward. - Military Veteran
Having to delay grief is not specific to those in leadership and command roles, but there is greater pressure to contain their grief. Leaders are highly visible, and their actions and decisions carry considerable consequences. Grief that is suppressed can become amplified later (see When grief surfaces after service).
It's a real challenge, especially for a senior police leader, because to a certain degree, we have to be that stoic individual to whom everybody else can look up to. But we're human beings like everybody else, and we have to be able to deal with the emotional fallout, the challenges that traumatic events create in such situations. - RCMP Veteran
There’s a fusion of your own identity with the military uniform so that you begin to subordinate yourself to the regimen. Just about everything that’s important is subordinated… My Regimental Sergeant-Major said "It’s okay for you to cry too, just as long as it’s in the bottom of your sleeping bag." Because he knew and I knew that if I broke down, everyone else would too. - Military Veteran
Questioning yourself or being blamed
As a leader, you may also face additional challenges once you have space to grieve. You may question whether the deaths of the men and women under your command are the consequences of your failures. You might begin to reflect more on possible mistakes made and have feelings of remorse and guilt.
As a result, you may begin to see yourself, your abilities, and your character in a negative light, losing trust and confidence in yourself. You may feel ashamed.
I had to learn to put my leadership decisions into perspective. Just because I’m in charge doesn’t mean I don’t make mistakes, and ultimately, all I could do was accept and learn from those mistakes so that there would be fewer casualties next time. So, I reminded myself that I didn’t get it right; someone died, and I made sure to do better next time. I also try to remember that everything that happened was part of a collective performance rather than any one individual’s decision. Even as commanders, our decisions are part of a bigger picture, including decisions that are handed down to us and the decisions soldiers make when they execute commands. - Military Veteran
You might also have a colleague’s family blame you for the loss of their person.
It’s even harder when I meet the families of the fallen. It’s a privilege to meet these families, but it digs into you, especially when some of them tell you that you’re the reason their son, their parent, their wife is gone. It’s hard to grieve when you’re bearing responsibility. In some way, being a passive victim of circumstances that are outside of your control can be less of a burden when you’re grieving. It can be so much harder when you played an active role in how things unfolded. - Military Veteran
When things go bad, it doesn’t mean there was a mistake. We don’t have the ability to see the future, and we try to make the best decisions based on the information at the time. It can be helpful to remember that everyone grieving is looking to make sense of what happened.
You can’t live by the blame that families place on you because there is value for some families in being able to find a reason for the death of their child, spouse, sibling, or parent. They may need to blame me so they could make sense of what happened. So I have to separate their blame and their needs from the actual responsibility that I bear for what happens during deployment. - Military Veteran
These reactions are also part of your own grief response to what happened. They are natural and normal given the circumstances.