Bumps, detours, and dead ends

Approaches that may have helped you with one loss may not be helpful in another or may be helpful at a different point in your grief. Even though you and someone else had the same loss, the experience and what helps will be different for each of you. It’s a given that you will encounter bumps, detours and dead ends.

Approaching your grief requires you to be persistent, adaptable and flexible. Just like when you ran into a barrier in your career, if you find that something you’re trying isn’t working, it may require you to pause, reassess and try something different. If Plan B doesn’t work then what might be Plan C?

Try to listen to what your mind and body are telling you. Do you need to ‘unload’ to someone? Do you need some thinking time away from others to clear your head? Do you need some exercise, a healthy meal? Do you need to meet a friend for a movie or sports event or concert? Do you need to connect with others who have experienced something similar?

Sometimes people intentionally or unintentionally shut down conversations about feelings. This might be because it feels hard or scary. Try not to take it personally. Many people are afraid of saying the wrong thing and "making things worse." Others feel helpless and don’t recognize they aren’t there to “fix” it for you. Sometimes it can help to let people know what you need. Explain you are not looking for advice or solutions, but just need them to hear you, to listen without judgement.

You might also think about if there are others in your circle who may be a better choice for this. Who may be open to listening? Who has been a good listener in the past? Who do you feel safe with?

Everyone’s path is different, and every path has its own twists, turns and potholes. Take your time and trust that you can do this.

I started to feel and to empathize, which I had actively learned not to do during my time in the military because I needed to focus on my job. But with the birth of my daughter, I had to learn empathy again, and that brought me to my knees. Slowly, I let myself be a little bit more sensitive. I reflected more, and I gained perspective on what I went through in Rwanda and what I lost as a result. Then I came in with all these things that were weighing me down to the OSI clinic and said, “I need help because I had a kid, and I’m failing.” - Military Veteran

You might begin with small steps forward. Consider the question: “What is the smallest thing I can do today to start to really live my life again?”

Learning to live with PTSD is an ongoing process ()

Be kind to yourself ()

Try not to be so hard on yourself ()

You may have been trying different ways of approaching your grief for some time and it feels like you aren’t where you’d hoped you’d be by now. If you are feeling stuck, and the intensity of your feelings isn’t changing, reach out to a counsellor with specific training in grief.

If you have experienced trauma, look for someone with special training and experience in working with trauma and grief.