What may impact your grief

This year I lost my best friend. We served in the Regiment together. We went through basic training together. We did medical courses together. When I was training, he was one of my instructors. His wife and I were friends before they met, and I’ve been there for all three of the kids… you know, a very close guy to me. - Military Veteran

How you are impacted by the death depends on the relationship you had with the person who died. They may have been:

• Someone you’ve known throughout your life or service,
• Your best friend,
• Someone who stood up for you and others,
• A mentor, leader, or someone you have great respect for,
• Someone who saved your life,
• Someone who gave their life to save others.

The more meaningful the relationship, the deeper your sense of loss. If your relationship with the person was conflicted or had unresolved issues, your grief can be more complex. You may be surprised by how you are feeling and may struggle with more feelings of guilt and regret.

It was emotional overload as well. Because, as well as grievous injuries, we also had a member who was killed during a high-risk pursuit. We had many things in a short period, and it’s like, “Wow, what the heck is going on here?" How do you adjust to this stuff? Emotionally, physically… even spiritually. - RCMP Veteran

If the way your colleague died was traumatic, it will have an even greater impact on your grief. Some examples are, if the death:

• was violent,
• might have been prevented,
• occurred while on shift, deployed, or participating in a training exercise,
• had many casualties,
• was the result of a crime,
• was caused by another person (with or without the intent to harm),
• involved great pain and suffering,
• is unconfirmed or unresolved (e.g., missing in action),
• was the result of substance use (e.g., an overdose),
• was from suicide ( for more about grief after suicide, please see Coping with a loss to suicide).

If you were present at the death, you might find the images of the death disturbing. If you weren’t present, the death may seem unreal to you, or you may be distressed by the imaginings in your mind of what happened.

Deaths that generate media attention, and/or lengthy trials, inquiries or tribunals can compound your grief.

When a fellow RCMP is killed in the line of duty ()

Delayed grief when you were not with the warrior who died ()

When a colleague is killed on duty ()

Everybody was hearing on the radio that Call Sign 6 had lost three guys, Call Sign 6 has lost four guys, Call Sign 6 has nine wounded… So they literally thought the platoon had been completely decimated. And I remember my colleague sort of grabbing me and giving me a big bear hug and saying, “Oh my god, I thought you were dead. Thank God you’re okay.” The event clearly impacted people who weren’t there because I’ve had a lot of people tell me that it was worse to listen to than it would have been to be there. - Military Veteran

The way that you find out about a death can have a significant impact on your grief. Some factors that may make grief more difficult:

• Receiving too little or too much information,
• If you were informed in an impersonal, insensitive, uncaring, or judgmental way,
• Learning of the death through social or other media,
• Being alone or in a public place when you found out,
• Being far from family, friends, or other supports.

When there are mass shootings and mass casualty events and you are a member of the RCMP, not only have you lost one of your own, but you've also lost members of your own community. And that's the community that you have sworn to serve. And you almost feel that, that you've done them as disservice, or you haven't been able to protect them. - RCMP Veteran

The impact of multiple losses can be particularly difficult and feel overwhelming. You may feel like you have a kind of “grief overload.” Multiple losses can include:

• A single event in which multiple colleagues are killed or injured,
• Multiple colleagues’ deaths over a period of months or years that feel unresolved,
• Multiple colleagues’ deaths over a short period of time where there hasn’t been adequate time to process these cumulative losses.

The importance of collective grieving ()

I didn’t want anyone to know how affected I was by recent traumas ()

Grief can be cumulative for those in the military ()