What impacts grief: How they died

I dropped my son off at the bus station when he was heading out to Afghanistan. I said, "Bye, see ya later. Don’t forget to call," not really thinking about where he was going. I’ll always regret that I didn’t go to Trenton when he left. Other people went. I fight with that in my mind a lot. I got a call every couple of weeks, but I took them too lightly. All of a sudden, a bomb would be going off during a conversation and he’d say, "Dad, I gotta go, I gotta go." Click. And I’d get back to my work, thinking nothing of it. I feel guilty that I didn’t really take in the possibility that my son might die… so I didn’t say goodbye. - Family Member

You may be living your greatest nightmare. You may have been dreading this for years. You may have thought this could never happen to your family, only to others in service. You may have had an unwelcome amount of media attention while trying to contend with how your life has changed so quickly.

You may feel numb, or in a fog, and have trouble believing they have died. You may not have had a chance to say a real goodbye, or you may have questions, wishes, regrets, or conflicts that were left unresolved.

You may feel well supported by your “service family,” or you may find that some find it hard to be with you, as it reminds them that this could happen to them too. You may feel that their sacrifice is being honoured by the service and Canadians, or you may feel the recognition is inadequate to what was given in service and what was lost.

Dan didn’t die as a result of enemy action ()

Every military death results in different kinds of grief for the family left behind ()

I had no inkling that there was an issue at all, so I was totally blindsided when he killed himself. I kind of went through this process of asking myself, "What else could I have done? Shouldn’t I have seen it? Didn’t I care enough? Did I cause this?” - Family Member

A death by suicide is often sudden or unexpected, and hard to understand. Your grief is likely to be different from what you may have experienced after other losses. It may be more complicated because of unanswered questions; intense feelings of regret, anger, or guilt; and you may feel a lack of support. You may feel you need to understand their frame of mind that led to the death. If you witnessed their suffering over a long time, you may feel some relief because their pain is finally at an end, but also feel guilty for having those feelings.

I did a lot of research from day one. I wanted to know how long it takes to die like that. My fears were what if he was suffering, or what if he changed his mind? I was having nightmares about it: that he was alone, and he was scared. So I just wanted to know. I wanted information and I wasn’t getting the information I needed. - Family Member

Sometimes there are just no answers to the most difficult questions.

To learn more about grief after suicide, please see Coping with a loss to suicide and MyGrief.ca - When someone has died by suicide.

We knew that Greg was struggling with depression ()

Although you knew that they would die from their illness, and you may have wanted their suffering to end, you may find it hard to believe it when they die. You may have thought you had done all your grieving before they died, but you are now experiencing different layers of grief. You may be exhausted if you were caregiving, and may have confusing feelings of sadness, sorrow, relief, and guilt.